


a cruse most sweet

by Zoadgo



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 5x11, Canon Compliant, Canon Scene, F/M, Raven POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 21:22:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15446130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoadgo/pseuds/Zoadgo
Summary: The ground falls away from beneath Raven's feet, and it doesn’t even matter that Shaw's kicking ass, or that Echo killed that other guy, or that he just saved them all, because all Raven can feel is dread. She should be happy he swooped in and saved the day, but she can’t. Because when he showed up, the way she felt… She cares about him. Maybe even loves him.Everyone Raven Reyes loves ends up dying.





	a cruse most sweet

_No._

Raven sees Shaw standing there, and it’s all she can think. Guns turn on him, and just-

_No._

The ground falls away from beneath her feet, and it doesn’t even matter that he’s kicking their asses, or that Echo killed that other guy, or that he just _saved_ them all, because all Raven can feel is dread. She should be happy he swooped in and saved the day, but she can’t. Because when he showed up, the way she felt… She cares about him. Maybe even loves him.

Everyone Raven Reyes loves ends up dying. Horribly. Just like-

_No._

“You’re welcome,” he says, and Raven wants to cry. He saved her, he’s already said he cares about her, and it’s a goddamn tragedy, because she _knows_ she’s cursed. She wants to run to him, and check if he’s okay, and instead she storms past him, angry to the point of tears at him and the universe.

She inspects the guns - not that there’s all that much to inspect, honestly - and tries not to think about how he could have just died. How he probably will die, and how it will destroy her, just like it has every other time she’s lost people. Raven breathes in the cold air sharply and grips the metal in her hands desperately. She’s angry at herself, for letting herself fall for him. Hates that she didn’t back off earlier and let him go, that she kept coming back for that damn smile and how he looks at her like she’s incredible - which she is, but it’s been a long time since someone has made her _feel_ that way.

The walk back to camp, Shaw tries to talk to her, and Raven makes a beeline for Murphy. If anyone can repel other people, it’s Murphy, especially with an obnoxiously large gun. Raven falls into the easy pattern of shit talking with him, and vaguely dirty jokes, and tries to ignore the hurt looks Shaw sends her way. It breaks her heart, but not as much as it did when he stepped out of those woods and she realized she could lose him. She didn’t even know she’d _found_ him, and she could have lost him.

Every time Shaw tries to talk to her, Raven avoids him, and eventually he picks up on the message, looking less like a kicked puppy and more pissed off. Which is fair, and is what Raven was going for, isn’t it? She wants to drive him away - no, that’s a lie, she doesn’t want that. She wants to throw herself into his arms, and hug him, and kiss him, and check that he’s okay, and fight side by side with him, and-

Raven sets her jaw and tinkers with more mechanical scrap, not even trying to build anything, just trying to look busy and focused enough that Shaw will leave her alone. Sternly, she reminds herself that she doesn’t get what she wants, not in this world. If she wants something, she’s only setting it up to be destroyed. And the only thing worse than driving Shaw away and making him hate her would be living in a world without him, so Raven continues to ignore him.

The plan comes together, and this time, Shaw is right in the middle of making it. Raven should be, too, but that would mean standing side by side with him and she can’t. It hurts to be near him, to know that in a better life they could be together, but he’s probably going to die in three days. 

Two days.

Tomorrow.

Everyone is afraid, the night before the war, and no one sleeps. In their groups, friends and warriors run through the plan again and again, and mutter words of encouragement. Shaw walks among them and reminds everyone of important things on how not to die. Raven picks a tree, a very nice tree, and leans against it and tries not to cry.

God, even his voice is perfect. And he’s going to die tomorrow. Not all of them will, but Raven loves him, so of course he’s going to die. She’s going to find his body, probably, or he’ll die trying to save her. Isn’t that just how it goes? Anger and sorrow wage war within her, a solemn premonition of events to come.

Shaw walks up to her, and Raven doesn’t move. Doesn’t look at the canteen he offers her, and tries not to break down. She wants him so bad and she can’t have him because she can’t have nice things.

“It’s been four days,” Shaw says, and Raven’s heart is in tatters, “we’re about to go to war, and maybe you should forgive me for saving your life.”

That’s what he thought? That she’s mad at him for the stupid plan and heroics that worked? She couldn’t care less about that, it was only the catalyst for her realization. 

Shaw waits a moment, and then he turns, and Raven’s resolve crumbles. She can’t let him walk away. She can’t let him die without knowing what it would be like to kiss him, and if he really feels the same way about her. If she’s cursed him anyway, the least she can do is get what she wants for a moment. Just one moment.

Raven reaches out and grabs Shaw’s jacket, pulling him back around and into a fast, deep kiss. Just enough for her heart to right itself, snapping back into place like a dislocated joint. Just enough for her to know what his lips feel like on hers, and how his hand feels gripping her hip. And to know that, yes, he kissed her back, he feels the same.

In that moment, fear leaves Raven’s mind. It rushes back as she breaks away, but less than before. She loves him, and everything is less scary in his embrace. Plus he looks at her as if she’s just given him some advanced calculus to solve, and it’s phenomenally adorable.

“I’m not mad at you for saving my life,” Raven explains, tears straining her voice because she’s so damn worried about losing him, “I’m mad at you for making me care about yours.”

Raven can’t think about the emotion Shaw looks at her with, because it’s all too much already. Even with her hands still gripping his jacket, a part of Raven screams to push him away, to stop caring so he can be safe. But none of them are ever safe, and, well, the ship has quite soundly sailed on not caring.

“Understand?” Raven breathes, or at least she tries to. It’s hard to remember how, with the intensity of Shaw’s gaze on her.

And then he leans in, and _he_ kisses _her_ and that’s so incredibly dangerous. The universe wants her to suffer, and what better way than this? But with a singular intent, Shaw kisses the fear out of her, the looming dread, and the heartbreak. Raven’s mind goes blessedly quiet as he holds her gently and kisses her as if it’s their last day on Earth.

As Raven’s knees go weak and Shaw continues holding her up anyway, she makes a solemn vow to ensure that it’s not.

**Author's Note:**

> i just, i needed to write this for reasons, okay. eternal thanks to both Ets and [zavenkru](https://zavenkru.tumblr.com/) for looking this over for me!
> 
> i'm on tumblr [here](http://jonnmurphy.tumblr.com)!


End file.
